Bordering on the border of insanity

A cabinet meeting to discuss the border

TRUMP

Here’s what I want on the border. Is everybody listening?

EVERYONE WHO WAS STILL AWAKE

Yes, Mr. President. Yes Mr. President. Yes Mr. President

TRUMP

Even my border czar? Cueball! Uncle Fester! Himmler von Bowling Ball. You listening?

BORDER CZAR

I'm down here, Mr. President. Licking your shoes.

TRUMP

Sand worms! I want giant sand worms from Wuhan. Or North Korea. Or Tattoine. The biggest they have. I want you to get me as many as you possibly can.

And a river moat with piranhas and giant roadrunners the size of dino raptors and giant tarantulas.

I want canyon rivers stocked with Great White sharks. Can you see the headlines? “GREAT WHITES MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

STEPHEN MILLER

That’s hilarious.

TRUMP

And guard towers. And gatling guns! Get my G.I.s gatling guns. It's an invasion. Like the British Invasion-the one that killed rock n roll. That’s why I’m placing tariffs on all British music. Including Adele.

BORDER CZAR

Is there anything else you want Mr. President?

TRUMP

Nothing but one long barren strip of dead lifeless bladed border, a no man’s land from sea to shining sea patrolled by American soldiers, riding on giant sandworms.

SECRETARY HEGSETH

I put A.I. sand worms up online already to scare the Mexicans. They’re awesome cool, sir. And we talked them up on Signal chat. Mind if a couple of my Russian friends listen in on this? It’s for a school project they have with my kids.

STEPHEN MILLER

How many illegal human beings can sand worms and giant prehistoric roadrunners consume in a day?

TRUMP

Lots. People tell me things.

I have a question for Elon. Mr. Secretary of Martian Agriculture!

ELON

Yes.

TRUMP

Is it possible to deputize plants by injecting some kind of chip in their necks? Do cactus have necks? Can we deputize all the cactus out there on the border? We could have an army of robo-cacti out there with our great American soldiers catching murderers and drug dealers.

ELON

We'll look into that, sir.

VANCE

Giving control of that land to the military could violate something called the Posse Comitatus Act, Mr. President. I love that. First you ignore due process. And now this!

TRUMP

What did you call it? The Pussy Commie Coitus Act?

VANCE

Make a stab at pretending to know what you are saying.

TRUMP

I know what I’m saying, JD. The Pussy Commie Coitus Act says I can’t use our fantastic U.S. military for “domestic law-enforcement “ of any kind. Any kind. I can’t use a tank to pull Bernie Sanders over in traffic! Can’t use a military cargo transport to deliver a Big Mac. Can’t shoot AOC or Jeff Bezos with Air Force drone missiles.

Well, I’m the law now and I am sending my phenomenal army to our border to keep out the terrorists, gangsters, murderers and the rapists and no one is going to stop me. This is my turf, punks. I’m President Donald Trump and if I want to use B-52s to carpet bomb Venzuela with American children with cancer no one can stop me.

VANCE

Check out FOX news, Mr.President. Caravans have been spotted heading for the border.

TRUMP

Mexicans heading north?

VANCE

Millions of unemployed Americans heading south. They are pouring across the border over into Mexico.

TRUMP

They give me no choice.

VANCE

Sir?

TRUMP

We must attack Greenland. It’s north of Gaza, right?