At home with Kari

What's for dinner tonight?

Do I have to do everything? Can someone get the back door? That delivery boy’s ringing the Goddam buzzer off the wall!

Juanita, be a dear and tell the caterer our guests are arriving. I’ve got to take this call.

Hi. This is Kari! What’s the latest on my case?

The judge ruled what?

You’re shitting me!

I knew it! That Goddam Judge, that son of a bitch is on Soros’ payroll. Am I living in a different reality? Is everyone out of their mind?

Well, thanks for Goddam nothing. I’ve got to go. I’ve got a million guests showing up for dinner. Don’t call me again until you have some good news for me.

Uh huh. Bye.

Can somebody please get the Goddam back door? Brad, Chico, Karen? Deke?

And you, Jake, will you go out front and tell the Goddam press to get the Hell off my property? Godless lying pieces of—

What do you mean there’s no press out there?

Not a single reporter is outside on the street? Not a single one?

Jesus! I’m Kari Lake! Kari fucking news worthy Lake. When I fart it’s top of the news hour!

Damn. I have to take this call. Look at this! Says it’s a three-way conference call! With Mike Lindell, Steve Bannon and some guy named Napolean Bonaparte. Shush, everybody, shush!

Hi! This is Kari. What’s up?

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh huh. Excuse me for a sec. What is it, Juanita? This is a very important call, Juanita. This better be Goddam important.

What? Napoleon died in 1821?

What the Hell?!

Christ! I don’t have time for these Goddam stupid prank calls. Go to Hell, you little moron.

Goddam trolls.

Chad! What was the delivery at the back door?

Flowers?

For me? Who are they from? Give me the card. I want to read it.

“Roses are red. Arizona’s turned blue. You sound like a lunatic. And—”

What the Hell? I swear that looks like Hobbs’ handwriting. That bitch! Harold, take this evidence to our Cyber Ninja team for further examination. Immediately.

Now. No, Harold, not after dessert. Now.

And Ben, burn those Goddam flowers.

Juanita, tell the caterer everyone’s finally here. Everyone. My staff, my friends and my family—they’re all here. It’s time to serve the food.

Deke, dim the lights.

And Jake, I want you to light the candles.

Juanita! How’s my makeup and hair? Do I look fabulous? I’m kidding. I know I’m a Goddam knockout.

Let’s go. It’s showtime.

Sorry, everybody, for the delay, but welcome, welcome to dinner at my home. I’m so glad you all could come. And thank you, kids, for wearing those nametags!

Okay! Welcome, everyone, to dinner at the home of Arizona’s Governor!

You were supposed to cheer when I said that. Come on, people! Frank, Chad, Lizzy, let’s make some noise! Let’s try it again!

Welcome, everyone. To dinner. At the home of Arizona’s Governor!

That’s it? Nothing?

Okay. Let’s move on.

It’s so nice to see all of you! I thought I’d get us all together so we could break bread and so I could share my latest campaign news with all of you. So, please, everyone, take your seats!

Put down the Goddam ladle, Juanita. Grace is first. Chad, turn down Fox in the livingroom. Thank you, Chad.

Bow your heads, everyone. I said bow your Goddam heads. NOW.

You too, honey bear.

Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, Lord, give me strength to keep fighting the demons and Satanic forces arrayed against me. Lord, I am doing it all for your glory, like Joan of Arc—

I heard that groan, asshole. Zip it. I’m praying here—

Lord, watch over Donald and all your Christian soldiers and thank you for this family and my fantastic blemish-free skin and for these friends and my gorgeous hair and my amazing staff and for my amazing genes and for this bounty which we are about to enjoy thanks to me. Amen.

Where’s my Goddam pepper? I had the pepper right in front of me. Where is it? People are always stealing from me. Always!

People think I’m an easy mark now.

Let’s steal from old Kari.

We can steal an entire election from her and no one cares! We can steal an entire election from her and get away with it, which— need I remind you for the millionth time?— I won fair and square!

Oh, so you lost count, did you, Deke?

Okay, jackass, for the BILLIONTH time. For the billionth Goddam time I won that race fair and square. Fair. And. Square. Susan! Paul! Lee! look at me when I’m talking to you. Why won’t anyone look me in the eyes? Chad?

You all may be pathetic losers but I will never give in. Not ever! Ever! Now’s the time to stand up and fight. That’s right. Stand up!

No! Don’t touch me, Juanita. I won’t sit down, Deke. I don’t care if my beans get cold.

That’s how much this means to me.

How can anyone be calm when the entire election was Goddam rigged! Listen, you slugs, when I’m sworn in I’ll get my revenge. I’ll get my revenge on everyone who doubted me. EVERYONE!

I’m making a list. What, Bob?

Yes, I am checking it twice. Why? What’s so Goddam Ho-ho-ho funny about that?

I am telling you, as sure as Alex Jones tells the Goddam truth, I will get my revenge. So help me God. Heads will roll across this state.

By the way these rolls suck.

Juanita! Tell the caterer we’re ready for our dessert. And I need a refill for my water.

I said I need a refill. Now. Juanita!

Jesus! It looks like I’ll become Arizona’s Goddam Governor before I ever get my water.

What? What was that, Chico? What did you say? No! I won’t calm down. You are all messing with wrong bitch. I will not calm down until we sue somebody and win, dammit.

Oh, shut up, Chad. We haven’t sued everybody.

You know who we haven’t sued? The Goddam Supreme Court.

In what court of law? How should I know? That’s for you to figure out. That’s what I pay all of you for! Take the Supreme Court to a more supreme court somewhere at the Super Big World Court Place or whatever it’s called and when the truth comes out, which it will, praise Jesus, I will finally be your Governor— and when that day comes what will we make America?

Say it. Say it!

Make. America. Great. Again. Say it. Together!

That was weak, people.

Thank you for the water, Juanita. She didn’t spit in it, did she?

Like I was saying I am going to keep going until we make Amer-

Who’s giggling at the end of the table? Jesus! Tell me people, when did I become a joke to you?

I know what’s going on. You’re all jealous. You’re jealous because the people LOVE me. Outside that door I am a God to thousands of people! Those Goddam ants worship me. Me! I am their Governor. No! I won’t sit down! The people of this state know BS when they see it.

What are you looking at?

Don’t tell me to get a grip, Chico! I will not sit down, Frank.

Juanita, don’t touch me. Look, everybody. I’m perfectly calm! See? Kari is nice and calm now. And no, Brad, I am not gritting my Goddam teeth. And no, I don’t need your help, Juanita.

Jesus, people. Look. I’m sitting down. Everybody just get a Goddam grip. And for the love of God can we just enjoy this dinner together?

Oh, Hell, it’s my phone.

I have to take this call. Sorry. Don’t stop stuffing your pie holes on my account, people. I think this could be my big break. Giuliani turned me onto a source in Apache Junction who has evidence that he says will lock up that Goddam Maricopa County clown show for good.

Hello. Kari here.

Thank you. Bless your heart. Thanks for the kind words.

Really? You’ve been at every rally?

Well, aren’t you a patriot? God bless you, my friend.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Really?

Uh huh.

Well, that’s interesting.

Fabulous! Tell me your name. Spell it for me.

Can I call you back? At this number? 1-800-666-6969. Thanks. God bless. Bye.

Did everyone hear that?! Kari is back in the game! We found our blockbuster eyewitness and he’s going to blow this thing wide open. Praise God!

Says he’s a ballot counter. Named Mike Hunt.

Why’s everybody laughing? What is so Goddam funny? Yes. I’m sure that’s his name. Mike Hun—

Oh my God. Jesus. What planet are these trolls from?

I’m telling you, people, the haters are all around us. They’re everywhere. It wouldn’t surprise me if there were some Red Flag Marxists working for our caterer right here… right now, under our very noses… so watch what you say…

Juanita! Tell the caterer the Chorizo was undercooked.

Tell him he should’ve gotten some cooking tips from those S.O.B.s at Maricopa County who know about cooking numbers!

Let me tell you about those sons of—

Don’t tell me to calm down! And don’t tell me it’s been months since the election ‘was over’!

I don’t give a damn what some judge said.

Okay! ‘Judges.’ Plural. What some Judges said.

Okay! Every single Judge! What every single Judge said.

They’re all in on it. All of them. Every last Goddam one.

Are you listening to me while you’re stuffing your faces?

Which one of you just said, ‘Not this crap again’ ? I heard you! Who said it? Who?

I AM NOT YELLING!

While I have your attention I have some announcements, people! Number one, the refried beans are cold. Number two, I’m firing the caterer because he’s “woke” and, number three, I am going to run for the Senate against Lady Gaga! Or Christian Cinema! Or whoever she is!

You were all supposed to cheer when I said that. Come on, people! Let’s try it again.

No?

Deke, why are you excusing yourself? What could you possibly need to grab from the kitchen right now?

Tinfoil? What in God’s name do you need tinfoil for?

To make hats.

That is so Goddam funny, Deke. Listen, buster, I am done with your BS. You are dead to me. I need a lean mean campaign machine staffed with “Believers” and you are a Goddam traitor. Get out of my house. Get out. NOW!

And you, Sandra! What’s this I hear that you’ve been attending a support group with Paul Gosar’s six siblings—the ones who publicly betrayed him like Judas? Paul is such a nice Christian man! And you are siding with his treasonous devil-worshipping brothers and sisters?! How could you?!

Am I boring you, Greg? What did you say, Dee Dee? Not this, again? Oh, every night it’s the same old tired song and dance. Is it, Dee Dee?

Jesus. What planet am I on? Unlike all of you, I love this country and I’ll never stop working—

Who is making that Goddam snoring sound?! Am I boring you, Rick?

What is happening? Susan? Brad? What are you doing? Why are you all getting up from the table? Where are you all going? Dee Dee? Lee? Chico? Frank? I was a Goddam Fox news anchor! No one walks out on Governor Lake! No one!

You are not walking away from this dinner table while the duly elected Governor of the great state of Arizona is talking!

Goddam backstabbing traitors! Are you listening to me? Chad? Bob? Hello? Anyone?

Just you all wait until I run for Senator and they try to steal that one from me! I’ll beat them and I will win Goddam it. Even if it costs me everything! They’ll all be sorry. There’ll be tribunals and executions! Do you hear me in the other room? No matter what it costs me I will win!

To Hell with you all.

Juanita, I’ll have my cup of decaf now.

Juanita?