Arizona's Cast of Characters

A short list

Let’s look at where the state government of Arizona stands today. Here are some key players to watch in the years ahead.

Senator Ruben Gallego. Yay. Viva the bootstraps veteran’s hard earned victory! Months of canvassing every inch of Arizona paid off for this American with an all American biography.

Senator Mark Kelly. Hellya.

Governor Kathleen” Katie” Hobbs. Hobbs, is a cross between Scooby Doo’s “Velma” and Harry Truman in pumps. Hobbs was a social worker until she ran for Secretary of State. Fact: Arizona Republicans often refer to any social workers as "them Socialist Welfare Queen enablers from Satan’s Commie Corral”. During the election turmoil of 2020 mobs of MAGA meatheads, convinced the election had been stolen, threatened to kill Hobbs or worse force her to listen to Mark Finchem debate a cholla until it died from boredom. Tougher than an Arizona Ironwood Hobbs ran for Governor, defeating some saloon gal crossed with a dust devil whose initials are K.L…. Forgive me for forgetting her name but then again so will history. Since picking up the gavel Governor Hobbs has been the only nerdy obstacle standing between our rabid Republican Legislature and what little civilization subsists here in America’s right-wing outback that on some days seems redder than a Cardinal’s butt.

Attorney General Kris “May I send your ass to prison?” Mayes is a disgusted Republican turned much discussed Democrat and Arizona’s top law officer and despite Trump’s re-election she refuses to turn loose of the fake electors she has hogtied in the back of her buckboard heading off to the state courthouse for a lick of justice. Tougher than Judge Roy Bean facing down a lynch mob.

Secretary of State Adrian Fonte, is a Democrat, a Marine veteran, a lawyer, and a big moose who ensured our election was secure, transparent and fair and his pollworkers were safe. Good work Captain Democracy. Want a good laugh? Watch Mark “Fester“ Finchem debate Fonte “the Rock” for the Secretary of State gig. Our next Democratic Governor. Eventually. After Katie.

Well, enough good news.

Here are the lie peddling Bible thumping backwater boneheads our Governor will be dealing with in our Palace of Malice, our Assembly of Jack Asses, Arizona’s great deliberative body and daycare, our Legislature.

The Arizona Senate is the upper body which in this coming session will be a complete chamber of hare-brained horrors.

The Arizona Senate

Chairman of the Senate Education Committee

State Senator David Farnsworth, a MAGA Republican, and a QAnon crackpot has more conspiracy theories than Marana has Dollar Stores. The poor man sees child predators lurking behind every tumbleweed and undocumented immigrants under every bunkhouse bed. Farnsworth won’t be worth a fart when it comes to helping Arizona be competitive in the 18th century let alone the 21st.

Arizona State Senate Majority Leader

And Co-chair of the Senate Committee on the Military and the Border

State Senator Janae Shamp, or Miss Shemp, as the other stooges call her, is surprise, surprise, you guessed it, a MAGA Republican, and she will also be the No. 2 Republican in the chamber. And when you see the bills she wants to see passed rational observers who live in reality may ask themselves, “Did some clown dump a Number Two on the Senate Floor?"

“Miss Shemp” is just one more despicable QAnon quisling who was at the treasonous insurrection on Jan. 6th, 2021, offering tips for trad wives on how to polish pitchforks, lie like a rug and apply bear spray perfume. Rumor has it her favorite catchy QAnon catchphrase is “Nothing Can Stop What is Coming, “ a sentiment she’ll soon have tattooed on her rump next to the “I heart Trump” tatt she’s getting on her right cheek soon as Rapture hits. As for turn-offs and turn-ons, “Miss Shemp “is looking forward to mass arrests and executions of the Deep State’s dirty desperados. And that’s our mighty powerful Senate Majority Leader.

Sick of numbskulls yet? Me, too. Let’s move on to the more fun neo-Nazi sympathizers and racists.

Chairwoman of the Senate Committee on the Judiciary and Elections.

State Senator Wendy Rogers, a MAGA Republican, is the woodland squirrel that Flagstaff is sending back to the Legislature to represent northern Arizona’s neo-Nazis, Jew haters and QAnon nitwits. This QAnon Queen loves her white Jesus, orange Trump, antisemites, and every far-right online whack job who loves her. Wendy’s unhinged posts are often reposted by zillions of adoring trolls and Keebler Elves who want to know: Did seditious Jews orchestrate Trump’s impeachment? Wendy the racist sweetheart of the Oath Keepers, famous for spewing the “Great Replacement theory”, will be the chairwoman for the Senate Committee on Judiciary and Elections. Under her gavel the Committee will come to be known as the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Jews, Stolen Elections, Chemtrails and Space Lasers.

Chairwoman of the Senate Health and Human Services Committee

And Co-chair of the Senate Education Committee

State Senator Carine Werner, a MAGA Republican, came to the Legislature from the Snottsdale Unified Governing Board where she pushed a revisionist curriculum from Prager University, an extreme right-wing cabal that resembles a madrassas of lower learning more than an American University of higher learning. Did you know Columbus claimed slavery was “better than being killed”? Did you know Frederick Douglass claimed the Founding Fathers, had ending slavery on their “to do” list? Did you know your legislature was chock full o’ nuts?

Chairman of the Senate Federalism Committee 

State Senator-elect Mark Finchem, a MAGA Republican who accomplished nothing of note in the Arizona House of Representatives other than generating headlines with assertions that made Alex Jones sound sane and who was at the insurrection and then ran for Arizona Secretary of State to rig the election for Trump and lost. He has more conspiracy theories under his Stetson than Sun City has liver spots. The Vox Populi of Prescott elected Trump’s election prevaricator to the State Senate because the Legislature needed more QAnon quoting cowpokes.

A fire breathing apologist for the Oathkeepers, whose pilot light went out long ago, Finchem will keep us informed us about the Islamic Caliphate coming to Casa Grande, the Commies hiding beneath Cascabel, the Red Flag actors infiltrating our water supply and the AntiFa mites he suspects of infiltrating his mustache.

State Senator Jake Hoffman

And then there is the Howling Coyote himself, the Chairbully of the Office of Bullying. When “Never convicted of any crime” is your best selling point you must be State Senator Jake Hoffman. The Hoffster, a MAGA Republican, an indicted fake elector, wanted to ban images of Satan on public property. Jesus loves the Hoffster.

That’s the Senate of Arizona. Our House of Lords. Our Olympus.

The Arizona House of Representatives

The lower body in our Legislature is a habitat for he following Reps—short for “Reptiles”— who are your State House Reprehensibles worth knowing. First, the top snake.

Speaker of the House

State Representative Steve Montenegro, is a loyal Trump Mega MAGA creep sporting an Art Fern mustache who swapped naughty hot texts with a young staffer and today the Count of Montenegro is the howling top dog of election deniers and the actual—swear to God—I’m not kidding—Speaker of the House. He’s  the flipping “Mike Johnson” of the Arizona Legislature. 

Montenegro was a honcho with the unAmerican “America Project”, the Trumpian group that raised $3.2 million for the asinine cyber ninja fraudit of the 2020 election at the State Fairgrounds in Maricopa County. Montenegro worked as a Top dog Cyber Nincompoop in the Cyber Ninja War Room and boy oh boy did he ever love hanging out with disgraced General Flynn, the Overstock guy and that whole surreal sleazy scheming Trump cult crew of bullshit artists.

State Representative Alexander Kolodin, a MAGA Republican, is an attorney who worked for election deniers, QAnon conspiracy theorists, Republican officials, and those challenging the election results. A terrifying true beliver, the attorney apostle of Saint Trump.

State Representative Rachel Jones, a MAGA Republican, is married to Seth Keshel, an old hand at election denial. Jones believes Kari Lake is our actual Governor, mail-in voting should be abolished and Trump won every single election.

State Representative Lisa Fink, a MAGA Republican, has ties to the “Protect Arizona Children Coalition”, a Gilbert-based hate-group working to stop the devil’s sex ed in our satanic schools. She’s the Hallmark cards of crackpots. She has a conspiracy for every occasion. Did you know homosexuals need conversion therapy? Did you know trans kids are mentally ill? Did you know our Legislature is an asylum for the insane?

I would have listed the Democrats, but those poor bastards are outnumbered. Better luck next election, Arizona, you dumb ass.

Most politicians dream of producing records they can stand on. Not our MAGA “drugstore cowboys” who love to wear their “pretend” cowpoke boots to the legislature for one reason. In case they step in their own records.

Veto onward, Governor Hobbs, veto onward.

https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/06/06/fake-electors-jake-hoffman-arraignment-maricopa-county-arizona-attorney-general/73883113007/

https://tucson.com/opinion/letters/local-issues/letter-jake-hoffman-vs-satan/article_5b25c474-c9b9-11ee-8f1c-a7fb34222b7c.html