Arizona Board of Regents relies on Speed Dating to select UA President
You may have read in the gossip columns that Robby Robbins broke up with the University of Arizona after months of criticism from:
Faculty
Staff
Students
Custodial staff
Landscapers
Union of grub hub bots
Wilbur the Wildcat
Wilma the Wildcat
Assorted community members
Three Country Clubs
Two abacus salesmen
And one anonymous drug smuggler who said he’d be killed and beheaded by his cartel if he’d “misplaced” $177 million
When the UA broke up with Robby Robbins, Arizona Board of Regents Chairperson Cecilia Mata said the national search for his successor would “move forward with expediency.” And it would not be easy. According to some Regents the long drawn out painful split rocked Tucson as deeply as Ben Affleck and J-Lo’s split rocked Hollywood.
According to some Regents the long drawn out painful split rocked Tucson as deeply as Ben Affleck and J-Lo’s split rocked Hollywood.
“And so, “ according to an Arizona Board of Regents, ABOR, spokesperson, “we went with a speed dating service. We went online here in Tucson and found Easy Elena’s Elite Speed Dating Service. Their site promised ‘Satisfaction guaranteed in 24-hours or less!’ And that was the timeline we were looking for. We were not disappointed!”
At this point I interviewed an ABOR member who wished to remain anonymous. He said, “We set up a Speed Dating Event at ‘Dirtbags’ for ‘Single University Presidents’ a few Sundays back from 2-4 and once we set the date for our speed dating event we posted flyers and began registering our participants.”
“On that Sunday we had a huge line of people waiting outside all the way down Speedway.”
“Wow. Applicants from Universities all over the United States?”
“No. Journalists, UA folks and concerned citizens clamoring to watch our selection process. We locked them out. Everyone except for the serious applicants from America’s most highly esteemed Universities. We at ABOR believe love takes time and privacy to flourish. We were willing to give it all Sunday afternoon.”
“How many speed dating applicants were there?”
“One.”
“One?”
“One.”
“What?”
“He had his speed dating registration form so we gave him his name tag, a complimentary bag of quarters for the jukebox and a drink ticket for a pitcher of ‘Bear Down Brew’ and you know how you know the minute you meet someone that that person is special? We Regents call it chemistry.”
“He’s not a chemist. He’s an engineer.”
“You can’t engineer true love. The minute the bell rang and he sat down we knew we were meant for each other.”
“That was fast.”
“We asked him all about himself. It went like this.” At that point he shared a video of their exchange with me.
Name?
Suresh.
Would you call yourself passionate?
Yes! When it comes to long walks through geothermal labs I’m passionate. And I’m passionate about education. I’ve mentored over 90 graduate students and 50 post-doctoral scholars. I helped 29 scholars get faculty positions.
That is so hot. Can you bring the heat, Suresh?
Yeah, baby. Thermal electronics management and sustainable energy systems turn me on. I know how to make the heat last.
Would you say you have a love of writing?
I co-authored over 625 papers.
Are you creative?
I have 16 patents, and was elected a Fellow of the National Academy of Inventors.
Woof. We’d like to go back to your place and see your inventions some time. Are you experienced?
I’m what you’d call seasoned. Before I was in Vermont I led Purdue’s $660 million research program for five record years in funding, and I helped seed about 50 startups annually.
Purdue? The chicken farmer?
You’re such a tease! Purdue, the University! Oh you silly Regents.
Humma humma. Fifty startups! You seed planter, you! Can you bear down, Suresh?
Does sap run in the forests of Vermont?
One final question. Ever misplace $177 million?
At that point the Regent stopped the clip. “It was then that Suresh laughed in that endearing way that told us we were all on the same wavelength. Each potential date had two minutes-“
“Two minutes?”
“We didn’t want to drag it out like we’ve done in the past. Months and months. Outsiders judging us.”
“But, that’s-“
“When the bell rang we’d normally switch chairs like in the parlor game ‘musical chairs’ so we could meet new dating partners but since we only had Suresh he remained seated while we added up our scores and declared Suresh to be our lucky date!”
“Some criticized ABOR for using a speed dating service. They say this feels rushed. That you’re relying on first impressions.”
“As if all the other hires were smart choices? Give us a break. After a thorough speed dating search process, we found Dr. Garimella displays the visionary leadership qualities and a record of distinguished scholarship necessary to lead the U of A into its next chapter.”
“Will this romance last?”
“If this doesn’t work out we’ve got this speed dating service on speed dial.”
I'm not positive ... but THIS may be why I 'broke up' with the UA ... as a "grey area" category employee and orphan of two publications departments ... back in 1979. I had arrived from NYS in 1971, searching for contacts by knocking on doors of individual colleges ... no 'Employment Office'. I accidentally met 'Swede' Johnson (then VP of UA) on a walkway and this kind gentleman walked me over to the UA Press building. The rest is history of a morbid sort. There was no 'recognized group' of employees other than groundskeepers and secretarial staffs OR tenured faculty. We others, while known as 'professionals' in assorted fields, were more like aliens on campus. Added to that, die-hards of the 'new Dean' and of the 'departed Dean' were locked a faculty grudge war between the 'old guard' and 'the new.' (This did not bode well for most.) An experienced 'someone' from Illinois arrived to establish an actual employment office, but even then ... no one knew how to handle us "other" people. Speed-dial had not even been invented, nor had cell phones OR computers. What good we DID have was our own AZ 'Fab Five' basketball team ('Wildcats' Bob Elliot, Eric Money, Coniel Norman, Jimmy Rappis, Al Fleming (RIP), Herman Harris, and more). led by Coach Fred Snowden. They were our 'Mo-Town' men who made the UA program into a WAC championship, and into the lure that hooked Lute Olsen. THOSE were my best days at the U of A. There's been a lot of water under our bridge over 50 years ... but I still miss those guys and those days and that non-academic joy.
Again, would be funny if not true. U of Vermont is pretty small compared to U of A. I have worked for all my career with engineers….they are smart, inventive, good with MATH but often NOT great leaders. I’m married to one and love him dearly but he tends to rely on me to see “the gray” in things. His world, black and white. It is OR it isn’t. Fine, I don’t know this man from OZ but we couldn’t find a Latina (woman or man) somewhere who could better serve the ultimate purpose of this university? Public education for OUR many. I know, it’s complicated.