All the news that Fitz

1. Secretary of State Antony Blinken visited Tucson on Friday to _______.
A)   broker President Robbins’ peaceful withdrawal from the U of A campus with U of A faculty insurgents
B)   learn more about the impact of synthetic opioids in Tucson communities
C)   get a “real” bagel at the J Café at the JCC
D)   get a look at Miraval because “after negotiating with Hamas and Israel I’ll need a good massage”
E)    perform blues guitar open at Tucson International Mariachi Conference Fiesta de Garibaldi showcase
Answer: I would have gone with A) broker President Robbins’ peaceful withdrawal from the U of A campus with U of A faculty insurgents but it's actually B) The Secretary of State was here to learn about the border and the Fentanyl crisis with Southern Arizona's leaders.

2. The Arizona indictment naming 18 republican leaders and Trump aides in fake elector scheme exposes each to ______.
A)  possible prison time
B)  alien notion no one is above the law
C)  air assault by Jewish space lasers
D)  being compared to Inspector Clouseau in a "Pink Panther" caper
E)  the mind blowing danger of life beyond the FOX news bubble

Answer: A)  possible prison time. Oh, joy. I can't wait until they start flipping and turning on each other.

3. KVOA's Lupita Murillo is retiring _______.
A)  after a career that began with her award-winning coverage of an Apache raid on the Butterflied stagecoach line
B)  because her fear of heights finally forced her to give up high heels
C)  when she calculated she’s reported "live" from everywhere west of the San Pedro
D)  to spend more time with her "family", which is her nickname for her shoe collection
E)  once she admitted she could never surpass her dream gig of being a guest star on the “Old Pueblo Arroyo Café Radio Show”
F)  to protest the censorship of her crime story about KVOA newsroom employee massacre
G) none of the above

Answer: G) none of the above. Because none of the answers included the word "beloved". We love Lupita. Happy retirement!

4. If NASA and JPL can fix their "Voyager 1" craft from billions of miles away why can't______?
A)  the U of A finance crew do a basic budget math fix just down the hall
B)   I figure out my smartphone
C)  they fix our roads right down the street
D)  Elon fix his Teslas
E)  we save our home planet right here

Answer: B) why can't I figure out my smartphone? Because I'm not 12-years old.

5. Every court in Arizona has found Kari Lake and Mark Finchem ______.
A)  guilty of the high crime of wasting everyone's time with dumb ass voting conspiracy theories 
B)  to be like an "Almond Joy" bar: two nuts whose arguments can be shredded like coconut
C)  guilty of enough insanity and inanity to provoke profanity 
D)  to have offered undeniable proof to the world once and for all that tinfoil cowboy hats are ineffective at insulating the brain from deep state gamma rays

Answer: C) guilty of enough insanity and inanity to provoke profanity. Unless your name is Hannity. 

6. Arizonans are slow to react to climate change because ______.
A) the AC in their Dodge Ram trucks are kick-ass good
B) wildfire smoke makes our state smell like "Christmas" in July
C) what's the big deal? Summer's always toasty
D) hey, we shop with recycled bags
E) our forest fires give us a great two-for-one benefit: really red sunsets and  plenty of smoked elk venison
F) all of the above

Answer: Sadly the correct answer is F) all of the above. 

7. The latest virus mutation is making scientists nervous about________
A) giving up lead lined lab coats
B) hearing the word "gesundheit"
C) bothering to buying tickets for next year's Artist Series lineup
D) wild birds at the feeder that refuse to wear tiny masks
F) none of the above

Answer: F) none of the above. If it's bird related let's hope it's tweetable.

8. When Susan Classen retired from "Invisible Theatre" she left behind ________.
A)  a Tucson treasure
B) an amazing theatrical institution
C) Edith Head and for good, dammit
D) makeup to "die for"

Answer: A)  a Tucson treasure and B) an amazing theatrical institution


9. Arizona's Board of Regents has appointed an 18-member search advisory committee to find ________.
A) anyone capable of using an abacus in Tucson
B) the next series of U of A Presidents doomed to fail every two-years and they better know the words to 
"bear down"
C) an adding machine
D) the U of A finance director’s contact lens
E) a North Korean lab willing to clone Michael Crow

Answer: E) a North Korean lab willing to clone a University President with longevity would bring us stability.

10. Former Trump aide Hope Hicks broke down in tears due to_________.
A) the aging defendant’s overwhelming “mystery”odors
B) the realization her testimony connecting Trump to his cover-up hush money scheme sank him
C) losing her chance of ever being on “apprentice 2”
D) the ”You’re fired!” look from the defendant
E) the stunning realization that by sinking Trump with her damning testimony she sank every hick’s last hope
F) laughing her ass off when she heard Michael Cohen called Trump "Vonshitzenpants" in a tweet

Answer: Who cares? I'll go with F) laughing her ass off when she heard Michael Cohen called Trump "Vonshitzenpants" in a tweet just because I like writing "Vonshitzenpants".

11. The Arizona state senator indicted in the fake electors scheme and the state legislator who was expelled for being a Q-anon crackpot were tapped to lead their party in Arizona because __________.
A) “they have the tinfoil to get the job done”
B) everyone else has already booked space on the space ark to Neptune that's expected land in Kingman on Tuesday
C) every other republican in the state was unavailable pending the outcome of their trials
D) both bit through the leather restraints and their team's slogan, “you don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps”, won the day
E) why not? Prison visitation rules are way more flexible than you’d imagine

Answer: Your guess is as good as mine.

12. This is the season when saguaros _____.
A) pack their packs for San Diego
B) begin to flower and bear juicy red fruit
C) throw up their arms and say "Winter's over"
D) welcome feathered tenants to their empty nests

Answer: B) begin to flower and bear juicy red fruit